


The Mugging

by Nurzubesuch



Category: Psych
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 11:32:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11462715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nurzubesuch/pseuds/Nurzubesuch
Summary: What if Shawn and Gus first met with twenty, as mugger and "victim" ?





	The Mugging

**Author's Note:**

> This story is pure crack. The script is originally written and performed by Space Frogs for their Youtube channel, so none of this is mine. I just felt like converting it to a Shawn and Gus spoof.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don´t own any of this.

Shawn did not see him coming. He was just strolling through the park, when a guy with an amazingly well shaped head jumped out of the bushes, aiming a gun at him.

„Hands up!" he shouted, with an irritatingly high voice.

Shawn flinched, a movement that this guy obviously did not expect, for he flinched just as hard. After a second he collected himself though and aimed his gun at him again.

„This is a mugging." he informed Shawn. „Give me your cell phone and money. B .. but leave your hands up!"

Shawn halted, thinking for a second. But after all, this guy had a gun, and complying seemed a good idea – while questioning his demands did not. So he obeyed. Or … tried to. His jacket was open, at least that much of reality was in his favor. Maybe if he bent down carefully, he could grab the wallet with his teeth and …

„Arg, darn it." he shoutet, and effectively startled his mugger. „My life sucks anyway. Just shoot me."

The mugger lowered his gun. „What?"

„Shoot me!" Shawn opened his arms, presenting his chest, dead serious. „Will make things easier."

His mugger looked into his eyes, and gulped.

„Dude, how can you say that?" he asked, but Shawn did not move. He still waited for the deadly bullet, asking for it.

„You´re way too young to talk like that." the mugger said. „Life is beautiful and full of surprises. Like … like this mugging." he smiled. Until he realized. „Oh."

Shawn dropped his arms, and let them hang. „Just finish me." he said, quietly, almost whispering. „You can take my stuff. That´s how you guys do it, ain´t it, Jack?"

The mugger stared at him, completey taken aback. For almost a minute they looked at each other, Shawn full of hate and loathing for his own life and the situation he was in, and the mugger … just … completely lost. Then at last, his mugger pulled himself together.

„Shoot me." Shawn repeated, dangerously quiet.

His mugger raised his hands, soothingly. „Okay, how about this? I buy you a beer and you tell me what´s wrong."

Shawn halted. He was thinking.

„My name´s Gus by the way."

„Shawn." Shawn answered, still suspicious. The mugger obviously tried to establish a form of trust.

Gus smiled. „What do you say?"

Shawn nodded, grimmly. „Okay. 15 bucks and I´m in."

Gus flinched. „Oh. Yeah, sure. Okay. Everything you want. Just … stop talking like that. Okay?"

Shawn raised a brow. „Everything I want?"

Gus halted. „Yes." he seemed uncertain.

„Really everything?"

When Shawn moved closer, Gus drew back. But not quickly enough. Shawns fist was in his face before he knew what happened, and his gun in Shawn´s hand, ready to be used. And Shawn knew exactly how he would use it. He shoved it into his own mouth, threateningly.

„Whwhwhwhwhw-" he shouted.

Gus, barely recovered from this assault, shook his head. „What?"

„Mpfmpf Whhwhwhw." Shawn repeated.

„Dude … WHAT?"

„Hmp waid ahaijwhg."

„Dude." Gus tried to talk reasonable. „It´s accustically very hard to make out any word at all so …If you could …" he jumped, when Shawn took the gun out of his mouth.

„Dude!" he shouted. „I´ll kill myself. Give me 500 bucks, right now!"

„What?" Gus was scandalized. „I don´t have that much money on me. Would I try to mug people if I had?"

„Arg dammit." Shawn shook his head, trying to think. In the end he raised the gun, aiming at himself again, to put an end to this.

„I could give you 15 bucks, how about this?" Gus quickly tried to bargain. „You take THAT for now and then … you tell me what´s wrong, okay? Okay?"

Shawn thought it over. Maybe the idea was not too bad after all.

„Okay." he said and reached out a hand. „Let´s see."

Gus hurried to hand over the money, afraid he might change his mind again. After Shawn had counted the bills, he reached for his collar and put it under his T-shirt, something that seemed to irritate his mugger very much. But then, after another moment, Gus shook his head, trying to focus.

„So. Now. Tell me. What´s the matter?"

„Well." Shawn looked around, at nothing specific. „There´s just nothing in my life that makes any sense or gives me reason." he started to tell. „There´s only all this sex with amazingly beautiful girls. And all this money … That is so much responsibility." He sighed, completely missing the irritated and disgusted expression on Gus´ face. „I mean … I could give all that money to orphans." he continued. „But … I hate orphans. In the end they might use it to become Batman. And I hate Batman."

When Gus took his gun back from him, he jumped. How did this happen so fast?

„Dude, give me my money back, right now." Gus demanded, scandalized. „I´m completely broke! My wife hasn´t let me touch her for over 20 years. And I AM only 20!"

As if on cue, a phone started ringing, in Gus´ pocket. Gus jumped and hurried to answer it as fast as he could.

„Honey." he greeted, smiling widely. „Hi." He listened, and stopped smiling. „Honey, I´m working. N .. No I´m won´t be home before 3. No I … dammit, buy your potatoes alone!" he hissed, at last. „Bye."

He hung up and went back to what he did before. Aiming at Shawn. And that was when Shawn´s phone started ringing. God, he hated interruptions like this.

Shawn raised his brows, asking, until Gus gave in.

„Yeah, okay." he agreed. „Answer. Could be important."

So Shawn answered.

„Yeah?" he listened to the annoying voice on the other end for a moment. „I don´t care if your husband won´t be home before 3, I don´t wanna see you right now. … Damn, I´m getting mugged by this looser right now, could you …? Yeah, we can do that next week. Yeah. Yeah." he took the phone further and further away from his ear. „Yeaha!" And with that he hung up. „Sorry."

„Y … You´ll give me my money back now." Gus demanded. „Or … or I kill myself." He aimed the gun at his own head, and Shawn flinched.

„WAIT!" He reached into his pocket, taking out his cell phone. „I just can´t miss this." he grinned and prepared the camera. „Okay, now."

„Dude!"

„What?"

At last at the end of his patience, Gus finally took the gun to action. Shawn screamed.

„Ou! Dude. You shot my foot. Are you crazy?"

Gus was shaking. „Oh my god. Oh my god, I shot you."

Shawn nodded, holding his foot, waiting for more.

„I shot you." Gus repeated.

„Yeah, that´s what I said."

„Oh my god."

„Stop saying that, and do something!"

Gus looked at his gun, unsure what to do. Then he decided. He shot again.

„Ahh!" Shawn screamed and grabbed his other foot. „You shot my other foot! What the hell did you do that for?"

„Well I …" Gus was completely lost. „I thought …

„What?"

„I thought the pain in the right foot might distract you from the pain in the left one." Gus was talking very fast now. „Besides this way it´s more symmetrical. I just thought maybe you …"

„Dude!"

„This is my first time doing this! Give me a break, okay?"

Shawn let go of his foot and jumped at Gus, reaching for his gun. The attack was so unexpected, that he managed to steal the gun, without any trouble. This was his time to deal back.

„Ah!" Gus cried, when the bullet hit him. „That´s my chest, you bastard!" He instantly reached for the gun again, to shoot Shawn a third time.

„My arm!" Shawn cried. „Ouuuu! I mean …why?"

Gus held his wound too, gasping for air. „Bastard." he hissed.

„A-hole!"

„Shawn!"

„What? You shot me! Do you expect me to be polite after that?"

„One can stay polite, no matter what!" Gus insisted. „That´s a matter of civilized behavior."

From one moment to the next, Shawn started to feel very dizzy. And from the look on his face, Gus was not so much better off.

„Dude." Gus said, eyes half closed. „I have a suggestion. You keep the 15 bucks and … we go home."

Shawns knees started to give in. „Sounds good." he said and Gus nodded.

„Yeah?"

„Okay."

They had a deal. And that was good. Because a moment later, all the lights went out and Shawn dropped down, a second after his mugger fainted beside him.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you´re thinking, okay?
> 
> And thanks for reading.


End file.
